What Not to Do or Say to the Twilight Characters
by luckystars135
Summary: Basically another list of things not to do or say to any of the Twilight characters.
1. Chapter 1

**It's spring break and I kind of got bored. So, I made this list. Hope you like it. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**What I will not say to the Twilight characters**

I will not call Edward a senior citizen.

I will not call Jacob a poodle.

I will not give Jacob flea spray, nor remind him of the appointment last week.

I will not play Spin the Bottle in the Cullen household.

I will not ask Emmet if he's on steroids.

I will not call Bella 'physically retarded'.

I will not scream, "WHEEE!" whenever any of the Cullens drive or run.

I will not call Alice a dwarf.

I will not tell Jasper that Mike has a crush on him.

I will not call Rosalie an idiot or a #$#&.

I will not make Bella walk a runway with stiletto heels.

I will not tell Edward that Bella went bungee jumping with Mike.

I will not give the Cullens speeding tickets if I catch them.

I will not tell Aro that Marcus has liked him ever since they met.

I will not ask Esme if her dead baby looked like Edward.

I will not ask Rosalie if she plans to take over for Professor McGonagall.

I will not ask the Cullens that if they like heat so much, why don't they just buy a portable heater?

I will not scream "Avada Kadavera!" and expect a response.

I will not pay Death Eaters to kill Bella just to see Edward's reaction in that.

I will not expect the Cullens to be able to speak Parsletonge.

I will not threaten to send the Volturri to Azkaban.

I will not tell the Cullens that they look awfully like bubbleheads.

I will not call Bella an 'ugly'.

I will not tell my teachers that Jacob ate my homework.

I will not tell Rosalie that if she wants a baby, maybe she should adopt?

I will not call Angela a witch and ask if she wants to join the party.

I will not ask Edward if he could hoverboard.

I will not ask why the door is always locked in Rosalie and Emmet's room.

I will not break the gigantic window in the Cullen house with a single baseball.

I will not ask the Cullens if they think that they're related to Dracula.

I will not ask Bella if she ever met that guy in Smallville.

I will not blame Jacob for drooling all over my homework.

I will not call the Cullens cannibals.

I will not attempt to sell a wand to any of the characters.

I will not call the Cullens zombies.

I will not ask Jasper if he ever tried Stir-fried Human before.

I will not call Jasper a cross dresser.

I will not call paint Emmet's car pink and Barbie-fy it.

I will not ask if Rosalie's related to Medusa.

I will not try to ward off Carlisle with garlic.

I will not try to pound a stake into Esme's heart.

I will not tell Emmet that Rosalie is older than him in vampire years.

I will not ask how many vampire years are in a dog year.

I will not tell the Cullens that Eragon wants his sword back.

I will not persuade Rosalie that she is part veela.

I will not give Alice a liberal amount of coffee.

I will not make Bella do drugs.

I will not make Bella drunk just to see what she does.

I will not wait until Bella cuts herself on a piece of glass and then declare, "YOU'RE EMO!"

I will not call Bella the blondest brunet I have ever seen.

I will not call Bella Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc.

I will not call Alice Luna Lovegood.

I will not make the Cullens play 20Q.

I will not make the Cullens watch or read Twilight in fear that they might go berserk.

I will not mention Eric in any of this. Crap, I just did.

I will not ask Bella if she is a relative of Hitler.

I will not push Rosalie to burn all of Bella's clothes.

I will not attempt to kill Edward.

I will not skip Charlie's funeral.

I will not tell Charlie that his daughter is going out with a vampire, and that they're about to get married.

I will not ask Alice why she can't see into the future just to see what the next fads are?

I will not tell Rosalie that Emmet dumped her and is secretly going out with Jessica.

I will not write anymore until I can actually get a good idea.

**Review please! This is a very sad attempt of me being funny... :(**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yay! Reviews! Thanks especially to I.Write.Sins.Not.Tragedies for the other ideas. I must admit, I ran dry on the first one. Hehe. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**What I will not say to the Twilight characters, cont.**

I will not ask the Cullens if I could get their permission to put them in the book of world records for oldest...er...living...person.

I will not call Victoria, James, and Laurent; Harry, Ron and Hermione.

I will not mention to Bella that Tanya may have been blond, but her sisters weren't...

I will not lie and tell Jacob that Bella is pregnant.

I will not scream "I OBJECT!" at the wedding.

I will not lock Jacob and Edward in a room and see who comes out alive.

I will not force Edward out into the sunlight in New York.

I will not call Carlisle 'Dumbledore'.

I will not tell Rosalie what happened to her pants, nor give her any clues.

I will not tell Bella that putting spiders in your hair is the latest vampire fashion.

I will not challenge the Cullens to DDR.

I will not buy the Cullens a pet dog.

I will not give the Cullens the web address to this fanfiction in fear that I will not live another day.

I will not ask for an autograph.

I will not set fire to Rosalie's hair.

I will not put Edward's CD collection in the food processor.

I will not set fire to Rosalie. Period.

I will not force Emmet to eat an entire supreme pizza.

I will not take Jasper bird watching.

I will not take the Cullens to the aquarium or the zoo.

I will not give Emmet a stuffed teddy bear for his birthday.

I will not ask Carlisle where babies come from.

I will not attempt to kill the Cullens with Harry's wand and put the blame on him.

I will not wear a "I :heart: Jacob" shirt anywhere near Edward.

I will not ask why the Cullens weren't good enough to be put in their own movie.

I will not tell Edward that there is a "Mad Mountain Lion" disease spreading that is fatal to humans and that it is passed by kissing.

I will not persuade Rosalie to burn all of Carlisle's pictures.

I will not ask Esme if she has any lower back problems due to age.

I will not tell Jasper that emo people get more attention from their girlfriends.

I will not tell Jacob that some people say that he likes Edward.

I will not force Jacob to find a new girlfriend by going on one of those TV shows.

I will not tell Esme to call Super Nanny.

I will not get Alice to buy an entire mall.

I will not make the Cullens sing on American Idol.

I will not tell the Cullens that study shows that vampires have now been discovered to fly.

I will not take Bella cliff diving.

I will not ask Sam and Emily about their children. Wait...do they even have children?

I will not buy Rosalie a baby doll for Christmas.

I will not hand out chocolate eggs to the Cullens for Easter.

I will not tell the Cullens that Santa thinks that they're naughty children, and that they won't be getting presents this year.

I will not tell the Cullens that if they go to Bixby, Oklahoma, they would be able to see cool things happening at midnight.

I will not dominate the Cullen house when they're gone.

I will not paint Edward's room pink and white.

I will not tell Rosalie that men like brunets better than dumb blonds. **(No offense to any blonds out there!)**

I will not repeatedly cut Bella to see how long Edward can take it.

I will not ask, "Did you change her yet?" over and over.

I will not ask Jane if she still loves Tarzan.

I will not mention that Edward is a train in the show Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.

I will not remind Bella that if you take off the last syllable in her full first name, you get 'Is a bell'.

I will not knock in Alice's head to see if it's hollow.

I will not dance around Jasper singing, "Jasper is a min-er-al! Jasper is a min-er-al!"

I will not remind Carlisle that he is named after a city.

I will not eat an Isabella Grape around Edward.

I will not watch Charlie Brown in front of Charlie, then ask, "Can you kick a football?"

**Waaa...I need better ideas! Thanks again to I.Write.Sins.Not.Tragedies.Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**More reviews! Keep 'em coming! YAY! None of the characters belong to me.**

**What I will not say to the Twilight characters cont. cont.**

I will not make Bella and Edward dance like Micheal Jackson.

I will not paint mustaches on Carlisle's portraits.

I will not make Edward sing Toxic by Britney Spears.

I will not tell Esme that Emmet broke her favorite china set, again. (Esme- What! Emmet- Mom! Calm down, it's okay! Esme- No, it's not!)

I will not help Emmet terrorize the town. (Carlisle- EMMET!)

I will not help Alice raid the mall.

I will not make Edward and Bella meet the people that star in Titanic.

I will not wait until all of the Cullens are in the same room, then start singing We Are Family.

I will not remind Bella that Edward is, like, twenty times older than her.

I will not help Rosalie rob a bank.

I will not take the townspeople on a tour around the Cullen mansion.

I will not tell Jake that Edward killed Bella as an April Fool's joke.

I will not tell the Cullens that there is a reason why century old people don't drive in the 21st century.

I will not persuade Alice and Rosalie to set up a party for every day of the year that involves gifts.

I will not pour corrosive liquid on Alice's Porche.

I will not tell Jessica that Edward is a swinger.

I will not shout out in the middle of lunch that Jasper and Edward constantly lock themselves up in a room.

I will not run away as fast as I can afterward to avoid my premature death.

I will not tell Edward that Bella ran off with the wolves as an April Fool's joke.

I will not sell the Cullen cars for lollipops.

I will not repeatedly poke Edward.

I will not repeatedly poke Alice.

I will not repeatedly poke Jasper.

I will not repeatedly cut Bella.

I will not repeatedly poke Carlisle.

I will not repeatedly poke Rosalie.

I will not repeatedly poke Emmet.

I will not repeatedly poke Esme.

**(Did you catch the difference? lol)**

I will not scream, "BLOODY MURDER!" every time I see a Cullen.

I will not leave Aro and Edward in a room unsupervised.

I will not ask Charlie about his chocolate factory.

I will not attempt to make any of the Cullens bleed.

I will not sing What I've Done to Edward's face.

I will not ask what Emmet is doing in Edward's closet.

I will not get Rosalie to be in America's Next Top Model.

I will not give Emmet a flamethrower.

I will not set up a bomb in the Cullen house and watch the Cullens' reactions.

I will not send phony Valentine's Day cards to the Cullens.

I will not let loose all of the fan girls on Edward.

I will not lock the Forsworn and the Cullens in a same room to see who survives.

I will not tell Edward that Bella only cuts herself for the attention.

I will not give the Cullens multiple surgeries to cure their bubbleheaded-ness.

I will not tell the Cullens about the lesions.

I will not use crucio on Bella to just see Edward's reaction.

I will not replace Rosalie's shampoo with tar.

I will not tye-dye all of Alice's clothes.

I will not sneak Bella out hunting with Edward. (Yes, it's evil.)

I will not give Emmet gummy bears, ever.

I will not doddle all over the Esme's walls with crayons.

I will not tell Alice and Rosalie that Bella secretly loves the makeovers.

**I'm running dry! HELP! I'm done now...review please! (They're getting steadily worse...:( )**


End file.
